Can you influence what kind of children you receive? Is it merely a hit or miss situation?

These are tremendous questions getting down to one of the most basic fundamentals about building a family. There are probably three answers.

1) We can't do anything about the children we get.

2) We can do some things about helping our children.

3) We can do a lot about shaping the lives of our children.

As you would expect, your answer will shape your actions. If you don't believe you can do anything that will make a real difference, then you will just let things happen. You will fulfill your expectations. Those with very poor backgrounds with hardly any parental influence will find that they will pass on their problems to their next generation. Fortunately, this is a small number of people.

Group two believes they can help the child get on the right footing. This is by far the largest proportion of parents. They believe that, by providing their child with the right education and associations, they can get their child to a place of opportunity in life. This 'sense of opportunity' differs for various social segments. Some believe by getting the child safely through high school, they have completed their jobs. Others test it by having their children successfully married off, finish college, or get a steady job.

This group sacrifices different resources like time, energy, and money to propel the child toward these goals. Their goal shapes what they would do. Usually, this goal is shaped by their own desires or expectations developed over the course of their lives. If the father must have a son who excels in Little League baseball, then we can guess what he values the most. If the child is to be baptized, then this shows what the parents want. Usually, it is a whole collection of values that bring together hidden goals.

We are not saying that these goals are wrong in themselves, but they fall far short of what God provides and expects. Group three consists of a small group of parents. They believe they can shape how the child responds to situations. They are the boldest because they are making internal changes.

Why is this group so small? It is because so few people have been exposed to it. Most parents expect their children to be naughty. This group expects their children to be good. These children are cultivated to live kind, disciplined, helpful, and respectful lives.

Many parents have given up any hope that they can positively really prepare their children's hearts. We would like to give you an overview of this process. By understanding this, you can more easily see how you could raise your child. Remember, we are not speaking about special magic or medicines. We are talking about raising honest, good and loving children.

Building up

Paul J. Bucknell

Let's just step back to the New Testament a moment and see what it instructs. Interestingly, Paul instructs Timothy on the qualifications for elders and deacons in the church. One of these qualifications for both of these offices is similar.

He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (1 Timothy 3:4, NASB).

Let deacons be husbands of only one wife, and good managers of their children and their own households. (1 Timothy 3:12, NASB).

The NAS Bible uses "manages" for the Greek word proisthmi. This word is translated as rule, manage, or be over.(1)

Actually, this word comes from two other Greek words, one being before or above (eg. pro in contrast to amateur), and the other to cause or make to stand, to place, put, set (eg. histemi from an allergy medicine called histamine which ...).

In fact, to establish, build up, rule over, or lead are all strong words demanding that a person take responsibility for the actions of others. He leads people to live rightly. In a family, this means that the father proactively manages his children.

With these verses, we must give up any notion that just tolerating what is improper for whatever philosophical or practical reasons is not considered managing well. They are responsible for leading and caring for those under their charge.

This sense of the father's responsibility and affection for children is so important that it is a sign of restoration.

"And he will restore the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the land with a curse." (Malachi 4:6, NASB).

As the fathers begin to take up their responsibilities toward the home, they will cause their children's hearts to again be restored to their fathers.

What particular attitudes and actions are necessary to say that a father has managed his children? Is it mere physical care? What spiritual care is needed? Why?