Love, Lust, and the Simplicity of Friendship
1 Samuel 18:1–4

Paul J. Bucknell

Pure friendship seeks another person’s good. It must not be reduced to sexual desire, self-gratification, or romantic projection.

Someone asked me, “Why can't one be romantically in love with someone of the same sex?” It’s a shame that some might even think this is possible. Since it has been asked and will be asked again by those who have compromised themselves, let me give an answer.

True love is willing to sacrifice itself (agape love). A husband and wife are meant to be deep friends, but sexual expression is only a manifestation of that love, not what creates it. Pure love is to love one as oneself. It is repeated twice in these verses. It would be good for us to think, “Who would we treat so special that we would give up anything?” Nowhere do we see that sexual expression of love is the highest form of love or that it is love when offered. The opposite is true. Sexual love is more often than not driven by sexual lusts, characterized by a craving to get rather than give. Fulfillment of one's lusts leads to planning a series of complicated actions. Let us not call that romantic. It is treacherous when someone acts to fulfill themselves rather than their spouse. Jesus, however, gives us a clearer picture.

Jesus stated that when a man looks at a woman with lust, he is committing adultery. “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you, that everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:27, 28). Jesus clearly clarifies one of the Ten Commandments. The world celebrates erotic love, but Jesus condemns it for what it is–lust. This is evil, regardless of who one lusts after, whether before or after marriage. What about romantic love?

Jesus does not use the words romance, but love and lust. What we call romantic love should only be for one’s spouse. Infatuation and selfless passion for caring for another exclude a deeper commitment. They do not include sexual fantasies. They see the person, not sexual fulfillment, as the key to their happiness. I loved my girlfriend (now my wife), so I would ride my bike three miles across the city in the middle of snow and rain just to see her.

Our culture is so sexually conscious that people tend to blend thoughts of love with sex. This is tragic. Friendships often fade away once we enter that realm. Those who have gone down that path can’t see any other options. They assume this is what friendship is all about. The same people ask me, “So can I romantically love someone of the same sex without sin?” Of course, one cannot. Romance is not part of true friendship. Friendship is best understood without it. Romance involves special, warm, tender moments that can lead to sexual expression. These should not be confused within a marriage context. If they occur during courtship, the couple must be very clear that such fulfillment is not guaranteed after marriage.

Romanticism blends with sexual love and therefore should not be viewed as separate from it. Of course, there are many romantic gestures and moments for couples in long-term relationships, but even then, all the special treatment and gifts are for the ultimate fulfillment if the relationship endures. Jesus condemns unrestrained sexual interests in Matthew 5. He might refer to a heterosexual relationship because homosexuality was condemned, but certainly, any self-gratifying sexual behavior outside of one’s heterosexual spouse is completely immoral.

Let me revisit the topic of friendships. A man can love another man, but this does not involve sexual attraction. From a biblical perspective, once lust enters the picture, it ceases to be true love. The same principle applies to male-female relationships. Having friendships with sisters in the church is fine, but I must avoid romantic situations, being alone, or engaging in 'close' conversations to protect those friendships. If I allow the relationship to develop into using special words, thoughts, or situations, I start to create sexual innuendos, which are inappropriate and clearly forbidden. I need to exercise self-control in what I say, think, and where I go.

In courting, we aim to build strong, genuine friendships, but these should not involve private moments where touches are sexual. Once things go beyond that, the friendship ceases to be genuine. Other motives may then come into play. Men and women, young and old, must continually practice self-control. Avoid being alone together. Do not treat each other as more special than anyone else.

Let’s return now to Jonathan and David. Jonathan treated David specially. He spent a significant amount of time with him. This is possible when sexual notions are excluded. A boy enjoys playing with another boy. A guy enjoys jogging with a guy. Their friendship deepens. It is this complete absence of sexual notions that allows same-sex friendships to grow and develop. These friendships cannot develop in a similar way among heterosexual relationships except in marriage, where the sexual component is again excluded.

Homosexuality destroys the simplicity of friendship. This is wretched. Making homosexuality seem normal removes the completely free sexual zone where men-men and women-women friendships can grow. Please do not destroy the innocence of friendship with selfish sexual desires. Do not pollute love with lust. The blurring of these lines indicates the demise of any culture or relationship. Allow Jonathan to freely love David without any sexual connotation. Learn how to develop deep, non-sensual friendships.