Not Too Late to Reach Your Teens

– Applying the Solutions (Part 2) –

Paul J. Bucknell

Part 2/5 of "Not Too Late to Reach Your Teens (Applying the Solutions)" reviews the two problems most damaging to parent/teen relationships and provides concrete ways to gain hope for restoring parent/teenager relationships.

Problems (Part 1): Family Problems | Solutions | Problem #1 | Problem #2 | Delinquency
Solutions (Part 2): Barriers | Let’s Solve it! | Confession | Steps of Love | New relationship

“Let’s Solve it!”

Let us remember that the problems to be solved are at two levels: the root, unseen problems (let’s assume these are largely the parents’ problems), and the visible problems that result from the children’s negative reactions to the parents. We usually focus on the other person's problems. It is always easier to point the finger at someone else than to accept responsibility for our own part (cf. Genesis 3:12). We want our children to obey. We want our children to be good and thoughtful. But all the attempts for quick solutions will fail because the more foundational problems have not been solved. It is best to see how the visible problems relate to the invisible ones so we can work on both at the same time. It is incredibly easy to slide back into our own prideful ways. We have looked at these two causes of teenage rebellion in the former lesson, but let us review them in different words in a larger context. The two problems are stated as such:

#1) Walls of resentment exist between people.

Bitterness resides in their hearts.

#2) Learned how to respond wrongly to others.

Poor interpersonal relational responses.

Please do not be too quick to assume you have identified a specific problem with your child and believe that if that problem were solved, everything would be fine. It is not that easy. As we go along in this article, we will deal with repairs to both the foundation and the ‘building’ itself.

Most of those who are reading this will find that they are facing long-standing problems. We should not be so insistent on quick and easy answers. The problems were largely due to the wrong decisions parents had made and lived out over a long period. Depending on how deep the child’s resentment is and how long it has persisted, we should expect the positive change to take some time. Having said that, I do not mean that it will necessarily take very long. We can hope and pray for big changes. In fact, if one side takes the steps outlined below, the relationship will take a turn for the better. But it might not heal the whole relationship. Because of resentment in the other person, he has a distorted view. A parent might begin to love the child, but the child just cannot see it. He is too bitter. Let’s now look at the steps of renewal.

Steps to Renewal

Let’s look at three steps for renewal. We are not going to wait for ourselves to ‘accidentally’ love our children. We have wasted too much time. By deliberate acts of love, we can more quickly set things right. These three steps will provide an outline for the rest of this article. We hope from them that you will gain a head start in the restoration of your home.

1. (1) Confess your faults
2. (2) Make practical steps of love
3. (3) Instruct on new parent-child relationship

Will these things make a change in the child? We cannot guarantee it. Once bitterness has gripped the heart, the evil one can easily persuade the child that the parents’ attempt to solve the problem is merely a manipulation to get him to behave. In other words, the child can still interpret the gestures of love and the confessions of the parents as being motivated by something other than love. After all, some of us parents have been acting selfishly for more than ten years. Our child knows nothing else. But love combined with prayer allows God’s Spirit to move in wonderful ways.

Finding Hope

believe children desperately hope that things can get better with their parents. (They might not say this, though!) The need for love and acceptance is so deep that when parents begin to show genuine love and care for the child, the child is drawn to it. Love is irresistible. Unfortunately, the old patterns, such as anger, accusatory talk, and avoidance of guilt, can arise and cover up this love. But this is where the parents need to be firm in their new attitudes and treatment of their child.

Love is irresistible!

As love proves itself genuine, the hope for real change will grow stronger. Real love breaks down those hostile attitudes and replaces them with love. Our hope here is grounded in the belief that love is greater than hatred. God’s love won our hearts, and as His people, we imitate this humble and yet persistent and aggressive love.

The picture above shows a mountain stream where my family went hiking last year. The path is unique in that it crosses the stream repeatedly. The stream is special because the rocks that form its bed are extremely smooth, worn down by many years of water rushing over them. They are so smooth that children slide down the river’s rocks! We need to wake up and start loving our children in a similar way. It may take a while, but at least we are doing what we are supposed to. Let your love flow over them and smooth away the roughness. Now, let's take a look at the three steps to renew this relationship!

Next =>