How to Get Married Right
Premarital Advice
How does one build a marriage based on God's will? Here is one person who asked!
"Hello, my name's Heidi. I am engaged to an awesome man named Peter and we want to have a marriage based on God's will for our lives and have him as #1 in our lives. We realize you are incredibly busy, so we won't take up much of your time, but do you have any information we could have or know of any on line stuff we could find? I would be grateful for any thing you could do. God bless you and your work. Bless you, In Jesus Name."
Let's look at five areas a person needs to focus on to live out God's will for his or her marriage. We are concerned with building the right marital foundation for a beautiful family that pleases God. God's way is always the best way! Let's search through at least five areas of our lives to do examine what needs to be done. An outline is first given with discussion following.
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1• Decision: Discerning God's spouse for you.
Most couples tend to jump over this first step. We get so excited about someone loving us so, that we couldn't believe God's will is anything but him or her! He is 'Awesome'! Even still, though, we must be open whether this is God's person for you. Go through the following steps. You will not regret it.
Firstly, are you both Christians? If not, then you should not date, court or consider marriage. Your question assumes you are, but one never knows. Our emotions at times block out God's perspective.
Secondly, do both of your parents agree to your courtship and marriage? Again, many couples go astray when they are not willing to submit their marriage to their parents' decision even if they are non-Christians. God can and does work through non-Christian parents. We must not despise God or our parents because of this fact.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), (Ephesians 6:1,2).
Thirdly, check and see if you are both physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. ready for marriage. Our parents sometimes consciously and always subconsciously think about these things, but it is good for the couple to see what areas need to be worked on before they get married too. If we look at these things objectively, then we can muster up that extra discipline to get where we need to be at. Oftentimes, our parents do not know some special aspects about our lives.
We need to be completely honest with our parents and potential partner. We should divulge our financial affairs (incurred debt), social obligations (is there that other girl left hanging out there, sexual affairs, divorces), physical problems (STDs, cancer, etc.), and other issues that might influence the evaluating of what God's will is. For example, one partner might be HIV positive. How is this going to affect their lives? Blood tests for getting married? Having children? We want nothing hidden that is later revealed.
Fourthly, are you spiritually compatible? If the woman is much ahead of the man spiritually, then there are going to be a lot of frustrations for that marriage. It would be better for the man to take a year alone with the Lord without the pressure of an engagement and grow. He could take special time serving the Lord in the local church and have special times of Bible memory, meditation and prayer. In order to be a good husband, he needs to be a spiritual leader before they get married. This does not mean he is a deacon, but it does mean he loves the Lord and knows how to disciple others.
Lastly, one needs to see whether God is leading them in the same direction. We need to understand that the woman chiefly gets her guidance from her husband. Once she is married, her goal becomes to make him a great man, successful in all that God has called him to be. But if before marriage, she senses God has a special mission or purpose for her life, she must contemplate what that is. At times, it will be fulfilled in her future life with her husband. It is difficult for her to struggle through these questions alone in her heart. She should talk about them with some trusted people.
Many of the above issues have to do with the timing of marriage; some have to do with whether one should get married at all. Those who really seek God's will, will offer up their potential marriage to God as a sacrifice. They will choose to do what God wills for them because they believe it is best.
We should mention that if any of these areas are neglected or ignored, one is already building a very poor base for their marriage. This is the foundation of a house. If they marry not in the Lord, then how can the building be rightly corrected? Not easily, if at all.
2• Preparation: Readying your heart.
Once one knows it is God's will to get married, then each person needs to work hard on eliminating as many spiritual problems they have in their lives. Many of the more serious problems should have already been brought to the surface. Others might yet come to the surface. I am still facing problems in my life that I didn't know were there earlier in my life. I have contaminated my marriage and children with such attitudes.
Isaiah 40:1-5 shows the process of discipleship where we need to get rid of the things that shouldn't be there in life. Pride, bitterness, anger or divisive are just a few of these examples. There are other problems too such as incurred debt that puts a lot of pressure on the marriage and should be eliminated as much as possible. Other things like fear, anxiety, stress, doubt, etc. destroy the ability to take hold of the beautiful things that God has given the married couple.
In many cases, as the courting couple discusses different issues, they will discover that they have wrongly responded and sometimes imitated their parents evil words, attitudes and deeds. This frequently happens after visiting their parents. The couple should take an inventory and begin working on it, keeping one another accountable. At this stage, the man might consider not being too frank about sexual lusts and instead have a pastor, father or brother that keeps him accountable.
For every problem area, think of it as a target that must be shot down. God wants none of these things in our lives. Through the power of the cross of Christ, we have forgiveness and through the working of the Holy Spirit, He enables us to overcome the sins grasping onto our souls. We need to be godly men and women in order to have a blessed marriage.
You might wonder, what is acceptable? We learn that no bitterness, no wrath, no anger, etc. is our standard. We look at the scripture and accept that as our standard. We make no excuses, but instead repent. Look at this passage below on what should be put aside and what attitudes and behaviors should be adopted. As a couple memorizes this passage, they should go through each phrase and in love evaluate how they are doing. Even better, though much more difficult, ask your partner how are you doing!
Therefore, laying aside falsehood, SPEAK TRUTH, EACH ONE of you, WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, for we are members of one another. BE ANGRY, AND yet DO NOT SIN; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. Let him who steals steal no longer; but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands what is good, in order that he may have something to share with him who has need.
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:25-32, NASB).
We are not saying that we can get all these sins totally out of our lives, but when we get serious, we can go a long way in eliminating different kinds of sins. Anything evil that is not eliminated, will plague our marriage and family until it is eliminated. God's will is holiness. Our goal is to get rid of all known sin by His grace and for His glory dedicate ourselves and bodies to serving His glory.
Couples talk a lot about love, but most do not know about love but only infatuation. They are thinking only how the other one fulfills their needs. A couple needs to put away sins which keep them from truly loving and start focusing on serving the other's needs.
A by-product of this pursuit of godliness in the premarital stage results in wonderful, genuine, honest and humble conversations. My wife and I had many of these discussions. I wish we had more. We were so spiritual immature in some aspects that we couldn't even see so many sins. But others thankfully were being dealt with. A guy, for example, must realize that unless he puts away sexual lusts and fantasies, then he is not going to be a faithful husband but an adulterous one (at least in mind)! Since those early Bible studies and open discussions, we have continued on in these same type of discussions and prayer times. Put down good roots and let them sink deep into the soil of life.
3• The Plan: Becoming a Christ-centered home.
We all know couples are couple-oriented. They are caught up in the exciting potential of being and living together. We don't want to dampen these hopes but put them in the right perspective. A couple must not think of themselves as being autonomous. They should not think of their home to be a place for them alone, but for Christ and His purposes. These dreams need to be interlocked early on before marriage so that everything is placed on a firm foundation.
We must reject the popular notions that a couple lives for itself. If the Lord is calling a couple together, then He is calling them together to serve Him. The couple must think before marriage on how God has gifted them and then anticipate how God will use them together as one unit.
We need to get practical. We see many couples spending so much money on a wedding. They need to be careful for even this can be idolatrous. They spend so much effort and money on a wedding and honeymoon that they go into debt! Surely this is not God's will. Simple is better. Getting a clearer focus on how God wants them to live out their lives for Him is more important. Have a wonderful time planning for your marriage but be simple. Only focus more time on being better prepared. The wedding only establishes your oneness before God. It will not make you one of heart.
We were happy only to have snacks rather than a meal. We went to a humble honeymoon place and had a wonderful time. We didn't have much money. We had things we wanted to do after marriage. So we went simple. A couple must talk early on about their expectations of the wedding. Many of them are conjured up from bridal magazines rather than the scriptures. Christ is to be the center of our weddings.
Christ is also to be the center of one's new home. This means that the couple will regularly pray together. This does not allow for the man to only pray quietly. He must pray aloud and lead the family close to Christ. Each partner will have their own quiet times. How does it work out practically? Let me share what we have and still do almost 25 years into our marriage. It is wonderful how it enables us to share and live out our lives together.
• Dad and Mom are up first early in the morning having their own private devotional times.
• Now that we have children, we also have a devotional time together with the children on most mornings around the breakfast table. We pray, sing, read a passage of scripture (usually Proverbs or Psalm). We added this later on but have found it very important to putting the day before the Lord.
• We pray at meal times.
• After dinner, we have evening devotions (family altar). This is longer then the morning time. We sing together a hymn or sing a song or two, memorize scripture together, or read scripture. We used to memorize a child's catechism (question and answer), but later found it more effective to ask questions around the scripture that we are going over. And we pray. We pray for family needs, but also for missionaries and people in need. If I have a meeting, my wife leads.
• Later in the night, my wife and I meet together. We usually end up talking 1/2 hour to an hour (and sometimes more!) and then pray about what we just discussed. This has developed from our early premarital Bible study and prayer times.
In order to be Christ-centered, we need to love Christ and His Word more than all. We are not legalistic about these things, but do it because we know it is best. We are not law-centered but Christ-centered. He is the reason we live, and so we must carefully live our lives around what He wants. If He wants us to give 10% and more of our income, then we do it, even though we might have other special needs. Christ first. A Christ-centered marriage is one that sets communication with God and each other as a priority. We carefully govern what we think, say and do according to His purposes. Each decision needs to be based on scriptural principles.
We must love His people and regularly be involved in a local church. If there is a small group, we should be there. It is best not to date when a young man and woman are together alone. That increases wrong expectations and creates special temptations. We recommend for those looking for a possible marriage partner to court under the guidance of their parents.
4• Team work: One Heart and Mind.
We all read about Adam and Eve being one, but rarely is it fulfilled in the lives of the average married couple. In order to have one mind and heart, it is not only important for a husband to lovingly lead his wife according to God's Word, and the wife to faithfully submit to him, but also for them both to have the same mindset. There are two evils that must be avoided.
1) In some cultures, one might not think the wife needs to know much about what the husband is thinking. The husband is the dominant leader and the wife is expected and trained to obey. While this is not the modern Western model, it is for many cultures. The problem is not the husband carrying out his leadership position or the wife submitting to the husband. That is true. But if we stop here, we miss out on the most beautiful interlocking of souls that is possible.
The Lord wants the wife to be a husband's helpmate. We do not see this only meaning that the wife takes cares of all the laundry and meals. In Genesis 2 we see them share life together. God has made woman differently; she is finely tuned to circumstances and people's feelings. God made her to help 'her' man excel as well as to care for children. If a woman is to make a true contribution to life, then she needs to know what is going on.
The husband needs to cultivate such a talking relationship where she understands what he is wrestling with, and so that he understands her and can listen to her insights. So often husbands do not believe that wives have anything to contribute. With this mindset, he will not share with her. God made it so that man cannot excel without his wife's wisdom. If the husband really loves her, then he will open his soul to her. The wife will respond wonderfully to this. In the end, the wife still must trust her husband to make the final decision, but at least she knows he has heard and values her opinion.
2) In other cultures such as our modern Western culture, women are trained to be independent and rebellious to authority. They are taught to assert themselves rather than to be gentle and quiet-spirited. Couples like this end up being so far from being of one mind and heart. They might live together, but they work and live their own lives. Some don't even live together!
The couple needs to get back to biblical living where a couple is not one in name only but also in practical ways. Communication is important because it is here that a couple needs to come to common understanding. The only easy way to do this is to have a common perspective. Our goal is that the couple regularly make godly decisions. They have come to agree what God wants and encourages each other to do what God wants. I (Paul) have found that when my faith is strong, it helps her. But when my faith is quivering, my wife's faith is strong and vibrant. I remember not a few time when we were very tight on money. My wife would always make out the check to the church first. I felt I would probably wait a bit. But her confidence brought her to write the check, something we both agreed we should do. (We have discussed how to do this in another article).
Making biblical decisions is the goal but a extra bonus is the uniting of the hearts and minds of the husband and wife. We want to see them both love things that God loves. If this is true, then the decision become much easier.
5• The Vision: Making plans for the future.
We find it very helpful when considering marriage to think where one wants to go. As one begins to answer this question, ask yourselves, "What is it that God wants for you as a family?" You will find that you have different answers, and if not different answers, you will have different emphases. However, we will discover that many things which we think is so important now will not be that important later on.
We only have so much strength and time. We need to focus on what is good and lovely. We need to purpose ourselves to do God's will. In most cases, God wants to develop a big family. God emphasizes this in a number of places. Unfortunately, family planning practices that are propagated today are not at all trying to understand what God wants. They largely stem from three kinds of people:
(1) Those who are trying to limit the wrong people from being born,
(2) Those who believe that man is ruining the earth, and
(3) Those who think children are too expensive and interfere with their preferred lifestyle.
The Christian church has got involved in this affair with the world. They do not think of their families with a sense of priority but only their careers and wealth. How unfortunate! They see birth control and even abortion in some cases as a means to get where they want to go. They have their goals clearly guiding them. But they are not God's goals of building a godly family.
God wants big families for the most part. Even after the flood, God tells Noah to multiply and fill the earth. People joke that the earth is already full, but it hardly is. People no longer believe God can care for lots of people. God designed it so that it could care for a great multitude. This is God's goal. Just think, do you honestly believe it is right for others to have many children who are brought up in different religions and beliefs while Christians limit themselves to one or two? Is this God's goal?
Of course, God is not just interested in lots of children. He is interested in godly children. Parents must put their toys away and get serious in this task of raising godly children. It has nothing to do with the children but everything to do with what the parents do. Don't believe what you hear! We are not to raise children to make decisions for themselves! We are to raise children to submit to authority and listen to the guidance of parents and God's Word.
If the wife has a career. She should give it up. If she insists on maintaining a career, then she should honestly ask if she really should get married. We have to think down the road as to the implications of our decisions. It is wrong to avoid having children so to carry on our career. But neither is it right for women to have children but have their heart elsewhere. Resentment will build up and the children will not feel loved. Feminism has confused many a Christian woman. It is time these same women would arise and live by God's Word.
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband,
But she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.
(Proverbs 12:4, NASB).
The man, too, must catch the vision of leading the family and not just follow along. The problem is that often he just ignores the wife and family and continues on with his career. He thinks that his job is to make money. We see nothing like this in the Bible. Read Proverbs 1-4, and one will see how the father counseled the son. Read Deuteronomy 6 and see the responsibility to carefully shepherd his children. If we are going to raise godly children, we need to make those right commitments in our soul.
God's will is to take God's Word and wrestle it into ones soul until one has no other passion than to do our Father's will. Holiness requires a separation from our culture where its evil tentacles have lurched onto us. We must repent and prioritize God's will and way. This alone is considered worship.
We have covered five areas that need to be focused on. Many other things can be discussed. We hope that you have a pastor take you through premarital counseling. Other resources to consider.
1) Read and discuss together: Family, God's Weapon for Victory by Robert Andrews (Winepress).
2) Attend Institute Basic Life Principles Seminar, Basic and Advanced. These seminars provide excellent opportunities to discuss and examine how to form basic life principles upon which to build one's life. Excellent presentations.
3) Check out our Marriage Navigator page for many more articles.
Read more exciting and practical articles on marriage. Just click on a link or graphic below.
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